Trying to move forward

I always struggle with anxiety and depression after my psychosis. It crippled me. I just had a nice job and suddenly I dont want to go to work. I am annoyed with myself. I had a conversation with myself earlier. That if I had not known I had schizophrenia, I will still be the same old me. I just got really depressed because I regretted my decisions when I had psychosis. So I told myself to move forward and be the same old me, the positive, hardworking person version of myself. I also have to set short-term goals for myself so I have the reason to stay on my job and not be absent everytime I’m anxious. Trying to move forward is hard because it takes effort to do so. I just have to think of the rewards my job will give me instead of the effort I have to do for it.

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Isolated

I really want to ask Japanese people on how to end this isolated feeling I always feel in their country. I only felt happy once here because I had a lovelife. But when my love of life is working, whats left of me? I have a mundane job and it really made me sick to my stomach. I want to learn Japanese but its so expensive. When will the struggle end here in Japan? I want to stop being lonely here. I have family and friends but they are busy struggling for their life. I want to see a psychiatrist here but the language barrier here is so great. I just want to get out of this country but poverty in my own country is bad as hell. I have lived in this country for years now. I survived. But then I had the mental illness. It had given me problems. Problems coping with my job. I always quit. Factories have a harsh working environment where I always feel bad about myself. And to someone with depression, this is really a hard thing to cope up with. I hope a psychiatrist can read this and help me cope up

Depression taught me…

There are many things that depression taught me. It made me realize what and who I really needed. The questions “what for” were answered during my darkest days. I realize that I only need my partner and work to be happy. I was also so demotivated when I had depression. The answer to my “why work?” question is I have to work because I might as well be dead without it. Why? Because work is bread and butter and in reality, money gives meaning to life. It pays the bills and it gives you comfort in life. Without it, you’ll have debts and anxiety. Work here in Japan is rough and tough for foreigners. One of the reasons also why Im demotivated. My partner had been providing for basic needs but I see the difference on our lifestyle with and without my depression. The latter is more impressive.  I passed a very good job offer as well because of my depression. And I regret that decision. My mentality had been very different with depression. Everything is without hope. Everthing is dark. And everyday in the morning I regret to wake up. And I always ask myself “what for?”. I now have the great answer to this question and the answer is really simple, but it doesnt have an impact on me when I was depressed. I have to work because life is all about love and work. I should revolve around work and love everyday. “I am nothing without love and work”. And this rings true to my very core. I feel like I can bear suffering from this answer. Everytime I get dissappointed or upset in the workplace, I will just remember this answer. Everytime I am about to give up, I have to say to myself “I am nothing, without work and love”. This answer is true to me because I had an empty life during my depression. I need this answer to motivate me. I can change my life because of my new mentality and it gave me the chills just thinking about it because I feel like success is looming over. I am so excited and I am very happy about my new mentality because a healthy mentality is the very core of a healthy and happy life.

I nearly end it

Before I read the book, The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck, I was anxious. I’m jobless and I don’t want where I’m at right now. So I drank many sleeping pills. My partner, whose very concerned, never left my side in the process. I’m confined in the hospital for less than a week. It’s heartbreaking for my immediate family to see me like that. But I am unemotional about it. I felt really empty after. I don’t feel good and I am silent after recovery. My partner dont have a choice but to work but she told me that she was heartbroken on what Ive done. I felt bad about it too but I chose to do it because I felt empty. I felt like I have to live to exist. Not to live my life. I dont know but I just have to try again. Live again. Maybe life will be thoughtful to me this time. One day, as I was searching for books and my keywords are not to care, I came across the searched result of The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck and it made me change some of my perspectives in life. I nearly end my life because I felt like I’m a loser. I’m depressed after I got sick and being jobless made it worst. For someone whose not living in his own country, you will feel very isolated. The one thing that made me go on is my partner and my family. But when youre alone, jobless and all, sometimes you just only see yourself and your failures. Maybe the reason why I want to stop life. But then The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck changed my mental state. It taught me a lot of things. To be happy with what I have and be patient. For there are times when you feel like a loser but you have to be ok with it because there will always be a shot of things you want in time.

The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck

I am currently reading this book for self-help by Mark Manson since I had a very traumatic experience with my psychosis. It really helped me rewire my brain as to why I need to suffer. It helped me answer the questions, what for? It helped me through my moments where I feel lonely and demotivated. Just a few read from his books, I get to feel ok. Its like a drug you depend to when you’re depressed. Good thing it is a book. Download HERE. Password is iloveboox.

Depression is sadness zoomed in

I just realized that when you dwell in your loneliness, you will just get depressed . For days. I wired my brain to think about my blessings and my sadness fades away. Its just a matter of how you think. I have many things to thank for nowadays. I have my partner and her job which is our bread and butter. I have many work options in the place I live in. I am just waiting for myself to be ready to work again. Its just patience and prayer that keeps me going. Thank God for the positive outcome of life. Everything gets better. 

Job Quitter

I don`t know if its just me or my illness that keeps me from working. I want to work, I do. Its just that I hate it when people concentrate on my mistakes. I just dont want to feel that. It saddens me that there`s a lot of people out there who bullies people at work. It saddens me. I just want to work and I hope people around me would stop bullying me.

Moving On

You feel like the medication cured you. And everything your feeling is going back to normal. You’re like the same old you without the mental illness kind of feeling. It’s great that you finally held it together after series of craziness in your life. And you’re ready to take over the world again. Good riddance to the illness. I hope you will not surprise me again in the middle of my happiness. I will make sure I`ll take my meds for non-psychotic episode assurance. Time to take the world back.

How to enjoy home?

Being jobless, I felt miserable. But my partner and I talked through it and I learned something. During this moments, I should rejoice and rewire my brain and tell myself that this is a vacation. By the way, my agent called me and told me that I will have work soon, so I might as well enjoy my stay at home. The things I do to enjoy home are as follows.

I cook breakfast. Breakfast is said to be the most important meal of the day so I cook eggs, spam or hotdog end enjoy my meal with a hot cup of chocolate.

I talk to my family. There will always be this bond between you and your family so whenever I have the time I message them and catch up.

I blog. I enjoy blogging and sharing the things I know as much as I read, discover and search other blogs here. There is so much room for reading and learning new things in blogging.

I read books. Or ebooks. When I get tired of searching blogs, I read ebooks and there`s this wattpad app where I can search for a word and it brings up a list of novels linked to that word.

I play games. I have many games on my phone and it’s one thing that keeps me busy. I have monopoly, asphalt, words, boggle etc. that made me forget time.

I watch tv shows or movies. I watch tv shows like Greys Anatomy, The Walking Dead, Sense 8, Pretty Little Liars and there are sites that let you watch new movies. It`s entertaining and you can enjoy your couch as much.

When my partner comes home from work, we celebrate it with my cooked dish. Yes, I cook for her and after some time to relax, we watch tv and exercise or jog outside.

 

 

Nerveless

Nerveless means lacking strength or energy. That`s the word of the day on my freedictionary app. And that`s what I feel right now. I am jobless as well which made me feel useless. Again, lacking strength or energy. Sometimes, when you had the mental illness, you will really ask yourself, what am I going to do from here? Coz the medication and its side effects will definitely have an effect on your daily life. I quitted my job because I am sensitive to what my co-workers would say if I was not able to deliver right. And I can hear them whisper saying negative things about me and my work. That really is not a healthy working environment for me so I quitted. But after, you will find yourself in your house, sitting and writing your emotions about life. Feeling like a loser coz you stopped working. I don`t want to stop but my emotions get the best of me. I feel sad when I work and criticized by people around me. I just wish that people will stop doing that. I wish I know the secret of working happily. Coz the experiences I have here about working is nerveless.