Pretending Im Busy

Since depression is a continuous evil in my mind, I have to remind myself over and over that I have many things to focus on other than my sadness.

List of the activities I do to pretend Im busy and to forget my depression:

Talking to family members

Movies on Amazon Prime.

Read Ebooks

Exercise

Listen to Joel Osteen’s Podcast

Surf Youtube

Play Covet Game

Cook

Drive

Study Japanese

Shop and explore grocery and department stores

Eat ice cream or cake

Drink coffee

Write a post on my blog.

How about you reading this? Can you add more ideas to pretend your busy and to forget your depression?

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Creating Heaven and Hell

Im thinking that if I have to stop this depression, I have to stop myself from unnatural feelings.

Im pushing myself to create my heaven. But all I can feel is hell.

Right Time

As mentioned here in the blog, God is my life saver. But my rationalization is on the roll again.

I am also a lesbian. Giving up my loved one for my faith is hard for me. The sermons I heard from my mentor to be uncommon left me puzzled.

To be uncommon means to not fit into society’s mold. If everyone’s lazy or half-hearted in their jobs, be uncommon or do your 100% in it. I like this part. But to be uncommon also means to have 100% faith in God and stop doing things that he opposes. This means “stop being a homo” for me.

I believe in God. But I love my partner. And things are getting complicated while Im getting to know God. Doubts arises. Its like my mind is racing what to do first. Should I break up with my partner to favor God? What if I am not going to do what God wanted? Will He not give me hope in the future when I become depressed again? These questions terrifies me. God is my answer to my depression. Every time I feel down and lonely I just listen to my mentor’s sermon and I feel good afterwards. So I panic when I cant do what He want.

But I calmed and came to a conclusion. I will just do what my heart wanted in the meantime. The right time will come for everything. So I will just wait for the right time and not rush on decisions just because my mentor told me to have a firm faith in God.

Life Savers

What are your life savers when your having a danger day? I just have to note mine so I can go back to my blog and remind me of the things I have when Im having a danger day.

This may surprise the readers for I have not mentioned God here in my past blogs. But He is my life saver. I listen to Joel Osteen audio podcasts and it had given me relief through my anxiety and depression.

My family and my partner are my life savers as well. We sometimes overlook the people around us but they are the ones who can help us when the going gets tough. So make sure you give them the love they deserve.

If my room gets a little gloomy for me, I ride the train to my partners house. The relief of having to past time through riding is great.

Learning Japanese through japanesepod101.com for free and Anki also helps reduce my feeling of inadequacy and depression. The feeling of inadequacy lingers when I feel like I cannot boost through my full potential in the country I live in because of the great language barrier.

Writing here also is a great way for me to express my experience, thus reduce my depression. My mental state is diverted from groggy to alert when Im writing because it pushes me to give ideas.

Coffee is also one of my life saver as well. A cup of it reminds me that I am doing well with my life. After all, coffee is not basic necessity.

Ebooks. Reading is my hobby so this ebooks are a lifesaver.

Movies and TV shows. Boy, if your life is home and work, you’ll be glad Americans are making good TV shows to pass time.

How bout you? What are your motivations to push through life?

Routine

Im in a train bound to my partners apartment. As I ride it, my fingers are flickering through my phone and is searching blogs for a reason to post. And with the help of it, an idea turned up.

A blogger find herself wanting to find a different place from where she is caged. And she found it amusing that she wanted her new place and life. Becoming independent and wanting the routine as day passes by. She just breathes, work, eat and loved it.

I, on the other hand, is trying to grasp the idea of routine.

Routine is the idea of living your life just to exist.

I cannot live that way. Routine makes me want to throw up (this is what I really feel this morning thinking of whats waiting for me at work).

Routine makes me feel so caged.

That is why I made up my mind and call my agent that I will not be working.

I need to breathe and appreciate the life outside of routine.

I do this from time to time. If routine is making me stress, I don’t push myself to work. I stray. I take the train and go to my partners apartment, go to a mall and watch movie or sip a coffee in a coffee shop.

I love the idea of exploring something new in a day. If I cant do it, its making me depressed.

For people who have dysthymia, make your life a better one by discovering your options when routine is trying to depress you.

Fight Words

The words I want to read when Im depressed. I call them my fight words.

Depression surface when you have no one to talk to.

Depression arises when you lay still in your bed with nothing to do and you cant sleep.

Depression surface when you know you are not capable of doing what you want because of your environment.

Depression occurs when you are not happy with what you have.

But depression is a state of mind. Its just a demon in your head telling you that you cant be happy. That you cant be anything. It will cripple you if you let it.

How can I fight depression?

Love and love well. Get up and be motivated. Do the things you want to do even if its limited to what you can just do.

Talk to family and friends. Do not think that they are busy. Because they will have time for you. If they don’t, move on with your life. Its not the end of the world.

Game yourself more.

Go outside and walk. Just do something outside. Anything. Eat ice cream. Binge.

Zoom in the happiness in little things.

Comfort yourself with loving thoughts. Enjoy your own company. Create a peaceful aura in your bed.

Listen to music.

You are anything but beautiful. And the demons in your head lies to you. You are capable of doing anything. Just keep on doing what you love.

Write and write more. Your writing may help others as they conquer their fear of being alone.

Cook. Clean. Theres a lot to do. But you don’t do it. Because you’re busy being sad. And thats the hardest part. Fighting sadness.

Smile. Remember that you are not alone in this fight.

And when everything fails, tell yourself you have come this far. You are not just gonna give up just because the demons in your head told you so.

Distractions

I realize that distractions are essential to help myself move on and forget that I have depression.

Since my day one depression, I forget the things that interests me.

I have to find my interests again.

I found out that I want to shop and eat outside when I feel bored in my room.

I discovered that I want to read non fiction books now when before I love fiction.

I have to find new games.

I am searching for people to talk to. To laugh with. Make new friends.

Its like finding yourself again.

Its a rediscovery of yourself.

Having depression and distracting yourself to fight it is a great way to save your life.

And finding your distractions is an exciting phase that may help rekindle the flame to live again.

Persistent Depressive Disorder/ Dysthymia

I’ve been shrinking myself long ago even before I had my schizophrenic episodes. The struggles before my episodes was a piece of cake for me. Put me in a stressful environment and I will go out feeling successful and happy. I was a fighter. I was never afraid of what lies ahead. I just do everything happily and with extreme willpower. If you were to ask me if I will date myself before? Hell yeah I will. Im a babe and I loved myself. But then, some shit will really happen. The values that I grasped and hold on to before was just nothing to me now. Many things really changed about me. And I am struggling now to become myself again. But I cant even get close to that idea. I just don’t know how to continuously pull myself together. Everything’s given to me. A decent job and happy weekends with my partner. Wth do I want. Why does this deep sadness makes me want to end my life? Surely, there is something wrong with me aside from being schizophrenic.

I researched about dysthymia and found out that some symptoms on the list matched my condition now.

Dysthymia Symptoms:

  1. Lasting two years of depression (feeling down and uninterested in regular activities) for adults and one year for adolescents and children.
  2. Poor appetite or overeating.
  3. Sleeping too much or not enough.
  4. Feeling very tired or physically exhausted.
  5. Low self-esteem
  6. Not being able to concentrate
  7. Trouble making decisions
  8. Feeling hopeless

I can ask for my psychiatrist here to give me meds for dysthymia because I really think that there is a problem with my brain. I should be rejoicing now for I have many things to be thankful for but I am suicidal. This PDD is killing the joy around me.

I also found out that there are ways to manage dysthymia.

  1. Exercise
  2. Proactively manage stress
  3. Therapy
  4. Stay socially engaged
  5. Eat healthy
  6. Consider aromatherapy
  7. Ask about supplements and herbs

I can only do three out of seven mentioned. Exercise. I will try. Therapy. Its not really therapy but I think it will work for me. I found some online course to shrink me out of my negative thoughts. Eat healthy. I manage to eat fish all the time though I need more veggies on my diet.

Why cant I do the other ways? Proactively manage stress. I have a job that does not really require so much from me and I manage my work just fine. Although I admit, I am not that productive as I was. Stay socially engaged. I only have work, home and my partners apartment to go to. I wont go out unless I have someone with me to party anywhere. Consider aromatherapy. Im not a fan of scents. Ask about supplements and herbs. I think self medication is dangerous.

Just thinking of adding another pill for my brain makes me want to pluck it out of my head and fix it.

Fear of Doing Nothing

I keep myself busy because if I don’t, I will lose my sanity. I need to be distracted all the time so as not to ruminate. Because ruminating may lead to danger day. And people around me will suffer cause Im going to be difficult for them. So I choose to do something. I pushed myself to discover new tv shows, books, dance steps, enroll myself to courses, shop online, so as to distract myself. But still, some voice inside me screams “I really want to die”. So yeah. Im scared of doing nothing because even if I don’t care about myself wanting to die, the people around me cares. And being a problem for them is scary for me because I don’t want to be a burden. And thats the saddest part of having depression, you’re going to be a burden unless you fight it. So I fight it. I just wish that they know how hard it is for me to carry my burden alone. Hence, death wish looms in.