I find myself writing this post in a Salon across where we do our groceries. It’s thirty six degree celsius outside and the hotness was severe. Still, we had to do our groceries. But on our way to a shoe shop, where my partner wanted to buy a shoe for his cousin, we bumped into my Aunt Kelly. My Aunt whom I remember was there for me when I was on my lowest. When I was suicidal and in the hospital. I was still embarrassed when I remember what I did. It was like it was just yesterday. I kissed her on the cheek and talked like it didn’t happen. What would I suppose to feel? It was awkward but I manage to stage a show of confidence. She didn’t mention anything about what happened. But she asked if we can give her a ride and her friend on her way home. My partner agreed to do so coz she was thankful for her from what happened. My Aunt helped her on many things when I was hospitalized. After we gave her a ride, my partner was asking me if I was fine. I was fine but a little embarrassed. Is this really what should I feel right now? To feel awkward about my past? My partner doesn’t know what I feel. Maybe the event was still fresh to me and I need time to heal. Or should I always feel this way whenever I see her? Do I really need time to heal or should I avoid bumping into her so as not to feel this way? How can I ever forgive myself if she’s around? I don’t know how to answer this all but I’m sure on one thing. She will always be a big reminder of my suicidal attempt.
I just have to share my story today. We had a stroll in our usual outlet store when my partner asked me to search the Google Maps for a certain shop. I found that shop in the maps not far away from our current location and went there. It was an adventure and the excitement it had given me was high. We also saw a nice spot with coconut trees and shot pictures.
Sometimes when life is routine and it was as expected as the other days, it may seem dull and pointless. But there are days like this which can make you feel high. Life may seem pointless and boring but hang in there. You might want to know what will make you feel high on the next ride.
We usually think before we do something. So I believe that our thoughts is as powerful as our actions. So it’s better to sustain our minds with healthy words. If we constantly ruminate, that will pollute the mind and will lead to depression. If we feed it with thoughts of hope and fulfillment, it will of course lead to a positive outlook that will affect our actions. We have to be careful what to feed our minds. It will contribute to our overall wellbeing and the character that were shaping. I suggest we read, listen, and talk about hope so we will be able to clear our minds with stress and worries.
Everything has been worked out and all you’ve got to do is believe. Believe that God has already a positive ending for us. No need to worry and think about how it will all happen. Just believe that everything will happen for your good. Just keep the right attitude and do your best every time. Everything will fall into place and you will be amazed at how great He can be. Do not fall into the limited thinking that you have. Constantly pray to God and He will give you blessing just one break away from you. Just believe.
I am jobless again. But I am not anxious. I am in Gods hands. Im now living the quotation of “come what may, everything’s gonna be ok”. Its like I’m blindfolded, walking the road with God leading the way. Ive never been this way before. Im always anxious and my anxiety will lead to depression and hopelessness. But now, I am strengthened by faith. And every time I feel lonely and confused, I will just sing “God will make a way, when there seems to be no way”. This line is very true to me because I always think on an all or nothing state. I cant think of a way possible. But then God made my recovery from depression possible. So I always sing that song because its very true. Sure I have my meds and it cured me but God cured my mentality. He had given me reasons to move on and to fight for life. He opened doors that I never thought possible. He made life easy for me when Im depressed because He knew I cannot push myself for more. Until now being jobless, He accompanies me through my loneliness. I am strong because of Him for which I am very thankful. His words everyday is enough for me to get by.
Growing up, I always have the wrong motivations but with good intentions from my parents. They would push me to do things I wouldn’t want to do. Im always been a pushover. I was not told that adults have the responsibilities to pay bills. I just do them without question. Now that I am not living with my parents anymore, I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of being an adult. To pay monthly bills. To wake up in the morning doing things you don’t want to do. Its tough. But its tougher to not go to work and not pay bills. You’ll be homeless if you don’t work. But here in Japan, it just gets more difficult because you have to endure the work that you don’t want to do. You will really tell yourself that life is not easy. But the salary can make you smile at the end of the day and it pays the bills so its worth it.
I thought having schizophrenia and depression was the end of me. I never thought theres more to my life than pain and suffering until God touched my life, touched my family and had given me friends and a nice job. I know people skeptical would think that it was just a coincidence and everything is just as normal as any other events would be. But its not. You will really know deep down of you that its God who helps you lift yourself up from depression that you feel. He will surround you with amazing people that I assure you is hard to find when you’re a foreigner in Japan and not that good in Japanese. I was just in awe for what He did to my life. He really knows what I needed that time. An environment that would make me feel loved and appreciated to cure my depression. And not a stressful environment that would make me want to quit work. He had given me a rare opportunity and I will be forever thankful for that.
Whatever it is that were going through, depression or mental illness, if we understand and accept God’s teachings, the sickness will still be there but we don’t focus on it. We focus on hope. That in every struggle God will be there, helping us in our discomfort. Every days of loneliness, God is there, working behind the scenes for our future. God will always be there, even if we don’t see Him. He’s always with us. Giving us hope. Making us whole again with faith. Bringing us comfort through every pain. God will always be there no matter how bad you had been or what kind of life you live. He will always give hope to whoever seeks Him. And its never too late to build our faith.
Life will throw you unexpected things. Some good, some bad. It will not make sense but just believe and trust that everything is a piece of your life’s puzzle.
I have on and off depression and schizophrenia and these are the biggest pieces of my puzzle. But ever since I found God, I found peace. And its the only thing my soul needs.
I have been bitter for a long while since I had schizophrenic episodes. I rejected teachings about God because I hated him. I hated the world thereafter. To make matters worst I had depression after schizophrenia that made me suicidal. But then again, when God loves you, He will work His ways. From my point of view when I had depression, I felt like its impossible to recover. But with God nothing is impossible. I reached out for help and my family was willing to help me. And to make everything sound and complete, God had given me a therapeutic work with good friends. Isn’t it amazing how God works his ways with your life? I was just in awe with his works and my depression just disappears when I talk about Him or pray to Him or read a book about Him. I know Im gay but that will not make me stop believing in Him. He’s my protector from everything. He just works His miracles with my life and I am very thankful for that.
Since depression is a continuous evil in my mind, I have to remind myself over and over that I have many things to focus on other than my sadness.
List of the activities I do to pretend Im busy and to forget my depression:
Talking to family members
Movies on Amazon Prime.
Listen to Joel Osteen’s Podcast
Play Covet Game
Shop and explore grocery and department stores
Eat ice cream or cake
Write a post on my blog.
How about you reading this? Can you add more ideas to pretend your busy and to forget your depression?
Im thinking that if I have to stop this depression, I have to stop myself from unnatural feelings.
Im pushing myself to create my heaven. But all I can feel is hell.