Useless

I don’t trust myself anymore. Why would I just give up on my work? I don’t get myself anymore. I wanted to work and yet when work is there, I don’t have the energy to face it. What is wrong with me? The negative thoughts keep getting in the way and I hate myself for not fighting it. It’s making me useless. I hate that I have to fight depression. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I just want to disappear.

Work Found

I found a job that is easy and suits my time. I got morning depression so I found a job for me in the afternoon till midnight. Hurray for me.

Well, finding a job in Japan is not hard for foreigners if you are not picky. I’ve been picky after I got depressed. You know those negative thoughts nagging you on your head and whispering in your ears ‘what for’ when you’re stressed. And voila, you’ll find another job and then another and then another until you’re out of options. Until you’re stuck again in the house just sleeping your days away until you find another job and quit again. I guess that’s why Japanese people resort to suicide. They’re burned up from working. I mean I know there’s much work but when you’re depressed, you don’t appreciate anything. That is why I tried to search for God to change my outlook in life. And I appreciate every word I read.

I hope those bible verses I read and saved in my phone will make me resilient enough to hold down my new job. This is another chance to turn my life around. To enjoy life because you have money and to help people in need because you can afford to. I am just a simple girl and I’m happy with basic needs but working is like fuel to your soul. You have a purpose and it’s making you feel good about yourself. I will pray for calmness of mind and strength whenever I feel like giving up.

Burden of Discontent

I researched the best career from my interest choice and I found out I’m good with people. I can have a career in Counselling. I overthink how I can achieve having that career in Japan and it saps the joy out of me. In a matter of minutes, the burden of discontent disturbed my peace. I know I don’t have the best life right now, but I can just be happy with what I have. I didn’t pray right away but identifying what causes my pain is labeling my sickness. You know how to treat the attitude once you know it and you know how to heal it. I know how to lighten my burden and that is to count my blessings whenever I feel discontented. I just feel good that I know now how to handle my pain.

I’m this yet God…

I’m suicidal yet God made me believe that there is life in heaven. I’m depressed yet God made me feel good even when I’m alone. I’m negative yet God found a way for me. I’m broke yet God gave me family.

I found some self-help books in goodreads, a website where you can find the recommendation of books from the books you previously read. I tried reading it but it didn’t feel right for me. God’s wisdom is indeed the best of all philosophies. I’m healed because of his words. I admit sometimes I still feel down, I feel like God is not with me. I still feel pain but I believe He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know He is with me all the time and that’s a reason for me to celebrate.

I find it hard to believe that I’m healed. I can’t believe that I can still be happy even if I’m depressed. I’m happy to unburden discontent and bear with the people around me. This was my major issue by the way. God’s words stuck to my soul and I feel awesome. I just don’t want to forget this journey in my life. These unemployment days. God made me realize how amazing he is. Even if I find work, I will still meditate on his words. I don’t want to forget His mercy and grace.

Justice is the Lord

Revenge removes God from the equation. Vigilantes displace and replace God. But Romans 12:19 MSG says,”Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

Only God assesses accurate judgements. We impose punishments too slight or severe. God dispenses perfect justice. Vengeance is his job. Leave your enemies in God’s hands. You’re not endorsing their misbehavior when you do. You can hate what someone did without letting hate consume you.

Desperate

Where do you go when you’re desperate? You go to church. Just like David when Saul wants to kill him. He went to the church and ask for bread and weapon.

David teaches the desperate to seek help amidst God’s people. David stumbles in this story. Desperate souls always do. But at least he stumbles into the right place – into God’s sanctuary, where God meets and ministers to hopeless hearts.

Facing Hurt

Linger too long on the stench of your hurt and you’ll smell like the toxin you despise.

The better option? Worship God. Join with David as he announces:

The Lord lives! May my Rock be praised. Praise the God who saves me! God gives me victory over my enemies and brings people under my rule. He saves me from my enemies. You set me over those who hate me. You saved me from violent people. So I will praise you, Lord , among the nations. I will sing praises to your name.
(Psalms 18:46‭-‬49 NCV)

Keep Calm and Carry on

Joseph faced crisis with a plan. He collected grain during the good years and redistributed it in the bad.

Don’t let the crisis paralyze you. Don’t let the sadness overwhelm you. Don’t let the fear intimidate you. To do nothing is the wrong thing. To do something is the right thing. And to believe is the highest thing. Just keep calm and carry on.

Family Pain

We all have family problems. Sometimes our parents are too protective of us, it can be suffocating. Uncles and aunts are gossiping about us. Family can be too nosy and unreliable. Like Joseph’s family. He was sold by his brothers in the market. But because Joseph has bounce back from that pain, God wants his heart whole. God knows Joseph has family pains and He wants to settle it. When Joseph saw his brothers again, his brothers didn’t know he was the younger brother they sold in the market. Joseph put them to prison but after three days he released them from jail. Had Joseph not saw his brothers again, he will never know that after he was sold, their heart grieved for him. It was enough knowledge to be released from family pain and it made his heart whole again.