Wonderful Life

I realize, I lived a happy life even with my depression.
If I don’t have anything to do, I usually scroll through my photos and look back on what happened during this year. My partner and I travelled even with corona. We have many photos where we go to places unknown to us. I lived a happy life with my partner and I’m so glad I chose her to live the journey of life with me.

Hell Thoughts

I thought I’m ok. I thought I don’t have schizophrenia. But I’m still hearing things that hurts. This doesn’t make sense at all. Got my medicine dose one milligram higher than my previous dose. I’m not better. I cried to my partner recently about this. I don’t know why I suffer so much. I hope things will get better for me. Tomorrow is another day. Be good for me tomorrow.

Depression Effect

Negativity takes a toll in my life already. Im stuck in the house because I don’t want to go to work. And I always blame it on my depression. Who else would I blame? Depression is a series of overthinking, rumination and dwelling on thoughts that makes you want to give up on life.
I had it. The work I wanted. But I gave up on it because it’s boring and not stimulating enough for me. How am I suppose to live life this way?
But I’m not giving up on me. I know someday, all of this will make sense. It will. And I’m counting on it.

Dickinson

I thought love is never ending. But she gave away Sue just like that. Emily loves his brother so much that she told Sue to love him back instead of her. Can’t lose someone I’ve loved all my life. I guess I’m selfish. But I know where I stand when it comes to love.

Ready for the Pain

Yesterday, I greeted my father because it’s Father’s Day. He’s still grieving for his loss. Her mother and brother died recently. And I know my dad is lonely. I also had my share of cries. I can’t imagine losing someone especially a parent. That hurts so much. So many good memories with my parents. And my mom is my best friend. My dad is my listener. I can’t imagine losing them. Especially my partner, brother and sister. They’re all I have. When that time comes, I hope I’m ready for the pain.

Death after Death

It’s a gloomy morning here in my place like my mood. My brother called me this morning that made me half awake. Why is he calling this early in the morning? And then I checked my FB feed. Found it out. My grandmother died, mom of my father. She followed after my uncle died, his son who takes care of him, the day earlier. Can’t believe this is happening. I can’t cry my eyes out. This is going to be a hard day. God help me.

False Peace

Am I making myself comfortable to non progress and be happy with false peace? I just want to be in a state of nothingness until I’m ready. Everyday is a surprise. Everyday awaits new opportunities. So I’m waiting. Waiting for the right opportunity. One that will change my life one day.

My Direction

I woke up and felt energetic. I’m excited for my toast and egg. I am excited for life. This must be the side effect of fish oil that I’m taking. Told to cure depression that’s why I’m taking it.
I just feel happy today. I wonder why. My uncle died yesterday and I cried for a while. Then I watched Korean soap. My brother called me, and he cried as well. Can’t imagine life losing my parents. This must hurt. But life has to go on. We don’t have a choice, do we?
I tried not to remember the bad moments nowadays and enjoy the summer sun in June. I’m happy with the way things are. I feel less depressed and looking forward to studying Japanese everyday. Hope someday I will be able to use it. As said by John Maxwell, “The secret to your success is found in your daily routine”. Happy to study Japanese for an hour daily and be successful in the future.

Full Life

Reality sucks the life out of me. Work and self entertainment needs to have a balance to have a fuller life. But for me, I just want to be entertained and not be beaten by work all the time. So I ended up being at home, got nothing to do with my time but to read novels, do a little grocery, cook dinner, watch Netflix and study Japanese. I’m privileged to do what I want the whole day but it’s also making me depressed. So I always say to myself, I’m blessed to have everything that I needed even if I’m not working. I still live a full life without work.

I Have a Plan

I do. But I have to wait until I get to the point of breaking down. I know how to save myself when the time comes. For now, I will just enjoy myself, bumming. Making myself coffee, tea, toast and egg, whatever I like and surfing the net nonstop. I have to admit, I will waste my years. But wasting it is better than having to commit myself to a job again, and then stop with a finger snap.